New shit has come to light. – The Dude
So, there I was, sitting on the ground, covered in mud, crying out loud – snot and everything – my ankle, hurting like a motherfucker (I watched it twist in slow motion as I fell) and I wasn’t really sure if I was going to be able to stand up. Hell, I didn’t know if I even wanted to stand up.
Because I was so done.
Mercury retrograde or the universe or whatever can suck it, I thought. And the woman running past me without helping me up or even asking what’s wrong? She can suck it too. In that moment, I hated people that achieve their fitness goals.
Fitness goals. Even those words give me the chills. And not in a good way. Pretentious chills. Stick-up-the-ass-perfection chills. I’d rather talk about art, books, relationships, ideas.
You see, I am not out running so I can tweet my fuel band results, I am not out running to train for a marathon, I am not out running so I can get ready for swimsuit season! (Although, I would like to lose the seven pounds I added over the winter from stress eating, and I do love what running does for my body). The true story is that I am out running because the alternative is anxiety and depression. The alternative is Prozac or something like it. And I don’t want to take those drugs, because, among other reasons, I won’t be able to fall over laughing. Or have orgasms. And I really like laughing and orgasms. I hold on tight to my moments of sweetness.
My path to health has been a reluctant one. This stuff doesn’t come naturally – it comes as a necessity.
Health Coaching is fantastic. Being healthy is fantastic. It really is. Ultimately, I am mad grateful for my life. I love my job immensely. On the daily, I can’t believe how lucky I am to be able to do for a living this thing that is so beneficial for both my clients and me. And I have the. coolest. clients. I have healed my body and maintain my mind (to a large extent) through exercise and food. And I have come so, so far. I wholeheartedly believe in the things I talk about and do in my practice.
But it isn’t perfect or easy. It is far from pretentious. It doesn’t look anything like slick self-control.
No.
It looks a lot like regular life, you guys. You know, at once a breathtakingly brilliant, art and star-filled adventure as well as a muddy, painful and exhausting disaster – with expletives.
So anyway, I’m sitting there, in the mud, trying to strategize the long limp to my car and one-footed drive home. I’m mentally ticking off all of the things on my to-do list that won’t be getting done. And I’m wondering how I’ll manage to take care of my son, how I’m going to get any work done. The responsibilities and expectations are out sized, and all I want to do is crack open a bottle of wine and spend the rest of the year watching Sons of Anarchy and pretending that Jax Teller is my boyfriend.
And it occurred to me that something has got to give. And maybe some of it is here. With you.
I want more out of this thing I have with you.
The list posts, the motivation tips, all of that is great and I want to keep writing that stuff. I still want to love you like crazy and give you the very best I’ve got. But I want more. I want to give you more and I want to get more from you.
I want to get dirty with you and talk about what’s really going on. You know, the fears that aren’t supposed to drive you, but they do anyway. How afraid you are of losing control, of sabotaging your self, or failing in the same way over and over and feeling like a fool. I want to talk about how you obsess, the way you cling to your own tyranny, finding it more comforting than the uncertainty of who you will be without it.
Oh, our precious, precious pain.
Life doesn’t travel on straight-aways. Life coasters, it spirals, it spins, it doesn’t wait up. We need each other to be this honest. Slick self-control serves no one.
So if you’re up for that, I would love for you to stay. I would love to hear what you have to say and make this a riskier, but deeper and more meaningful conversation. Fair warning: I’m going to swear more, because that’s how I talk in real life. So if all of this doesn’t feel right to you, I totally understand. I really want you to know that I’m okay with whatever you need to do, and my feelings will be intact if you decide go elsewhere for health stuff.
But I hope you stay and be a little or a lot brave with me. Because legitimate life talk, instead of glossing over the mud with perfection-platitudes, bringing our real doubts and suspicions about ourselves to light is grand work that results in cathartic hilarity, in cell-level sweetness.
And, like I said, hilarity and sweetness are my absolutely favorite things about life. And as it happens, feeding my body the best and most beautiful things, moving around to exercise my muscles, my heart and lungs so I can breathe and beat – and even throwing it all away for a few hours so I can be transported into some television show that teaches me absolutely nothing – it’s what keeps the sweetness, and funny intact. And I’m not giving that up for anything.
How about you? Are you in?
*before any of you get mad at me, I’ll just say out loud that there is nothing at all wrong with fitness goals, Nike Fuel bands, tweeting stats, marathons, feeling good in a swimsuit, healthy self control, Prozac or any of its siblings. Peace.
FUCK YES!
Fuck yes, to you too, baby. xoxo
I love you even more now
infinity and beyond, you. xo
That’s the first thing you’ve said that’s really made me sit up and take notice…so much so I read it twice – ’cause it feels like where I’ve got to too. Lets all do it!
Im tickled beyond measure that I perked your heart. That made my day, Helen. I mean it. xo
Oh HELL yes! I love you so fucking much for posting this. Our precious pain: yes! Our truth: yes! Our struggles: hell yes!
I love you too, you gorgeous bitch. 4Eva. XO
AMEN to this awesome post Feels like a big “coming out” party.
Ha. Viviane. Thanks so much for being here for it.
Beautiful. I’m with you. Let’s get real and go deep. Then sometimes let’s not. The whole shebang. Xoxo
“Let’s get real and go deep. Then sometimes let’s not.” is my favorite. Yes, Rachel. That exactly.
I came back to see you now that I know it’s YOU. And yes, you articulate bitch. Of course it’s you. All the love, baby. All of it.
You. Oh, splendid you. Reading you is my favorite mirror.
You know I’m with you. Eternally. Brutally. Beautifully.
My pain is confusing. I hold no depth of its discussion from seeing the light. But there is a factor askew in my living equations. My world is not a mirror of my work. It’s dark in here even though I keep trying to shine light. Somewhere there is an x or a y unaccounted for. An ex or a why. I’ll stay with you on this journey until we figure it all out. Or even if we don’t. And even once we do. Or don’t. I’m with you in the mud and on the mountaintop.
[insert expletives here]
Everything you said. Yes. And both mud and mountaintops and probably never *really* figuring it all out. Sometimes it is just way, way too much. I love you, You.
Life is rarely stagnant nor is it ever perfectly clean and polished. Love this post as you illustrate that point very well. Swear away…..I’m listening.
Perfect is soooo boring, no? Hearts, Theresa. I’m so glad you are here.
Read your blog today and went running. Trying to put my life together in a rewarding way post military and thinking about life differently in general is sometimes a little harder than it should be.
Love ya!
I miss you. Would love to hear more about what it looks like to put your life together post-military. It would be interesting to hear how that compares to post-prison. So hard to come out of institution. Talk soon, ok? glad you went running. xoxo
I hope your ankle is okay and screw that woman for not stopping to make sure that you were okay. I think it is important that coaches/mentors/teachers etc. are honest about the fact that we are all human and life is never perfect. We all like to believe that some people (coaches/teachers/mentors) have it all figured out and live perfect lives – but the truth is, we all fall in the mud sometimes and get pissed off. Thanks for sharing – I’m totally in!
Hi Julie. My ankle is ok. It finally got back into alignment and the bruises are healing. I should be running again next week. I agree wholeheartedly about perfection. No one has it *all* figured out. Even those of us whose job it is to uplift and support. Dealing with our own work makes us even better coaches. So glad you are here. I really appreciate your comments.
Damn, woman. I think I just met you all over again.
xoxoxoxoxo
The evolution revolution. xoxoxo
Oh, yes, I am so in! You are amazing, and your story touches us all … well at least those of us who matter.
Thank you so much, Mary! That means a lot. xoxo
Yes. A thousand times yes. Shine your lovely light, even when it is smeared with mud. We all have these moments, and i think, being brave enough to share them brings some sense of solidarity, pulling together, instead of slogging it alone. Thank you, brave one.
Yes about solidarity from vulnerable moments. Hooray for bravery. Thank you so much, Nika.
this is some of the best blog shit i’ve read on the internets in some time.
p.s.—i’m just here for the cussing.
Fuck yes, you. Hope you stick around. Love your home page.
Twisted my ankle not once – but twice last month, because I’m a Scorpio and we have to do things to extremes.It was on my way to my car at night after work when the pavement became black ice thanks to an incoming storm. Had exactly the same nano moment epiphany as I sat on the ground like one of those elderly people who’ve “fallen and they can’t get up”. Hmmm. Can’t or won’t?
Sometimes the universe makes you stand still by knocking you on your keyster – twice. Mercury retrograde in Pisces as well as Neptune, Mars, Venus, and Chiron, that’s a stellium that will not be ignored. I think we’re are being compelled to sit and ponder. Good to know that we’re on the same train to inner self sister!
Oh honey! How is your ankle?? Curious about that stellium. There is definitely something awry in a larger sense than our individual lives. The whole world feels so frayed right now. Big love and support to you, Yvonne.
I’m SO. IN.
Love your truth and light.
Definitely more in-depth exchanges filled with expletives.
All over it.
Thank you for you!
Awesome. Thank you, Trista. Looking forward to more from you here, also. xo
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Awesome!
Thank you, Vanessa. Appreciate you reading and commenting. Awyeah.
Yes please. This is the conversation I want to be having. And there are few people I want more to be having it with than you. x
Damn, it’s good to see you here, Marianne. Let’s have at it, then, shall we? xoxo
I actually just went back on Prozac after being off it for a year (I’m a certified wellness coach through IIN but choose a different career path).
I hear you, I really do. But *I* am able to laugh and orgasm and do all sorts of really wonderful things now that the Prozac has helped clear the fog away that I’d been trying to clear all on my own for the past number of months.
In fact, for the first time in MONTHS I was able to get vulnerable again and start listening to my heart and I wept tears of joy. It felt so. fucking. good. and. about. fucking. time. Holy hell.
It was the right choice for me. I don’t plan to be on it forever but right now the fog is lifted and I’m feeling back to my old, vibrant self and yeah…that feels pretty fucking amazing.
xoxo – Jen
Thank you for this, Jen. I have more to say privately. I’m emailing you. xo
I so needed to read this today! Fuck ya is all I have to say, I like how you are real in this post I really need to get healthier like quit smoking cause of health issues… maybe Ill be coming back more
my first time here! As someone that is going down the coaching path, You totally rocked that shit Peace and Love.
I do hope you come back, Marty! Let me know how I can help. xo
Bravo and thank you, Meg!
Thank you, Hilary, and so glad you’re here.
Oh my god, I so relate to this. Mercury retrograde has been kicking my ass up and down the street too. One day I’m a ball of energy and another I can barely get out of bed feeling completely weak with nothing to give. Yes, please give us more. If this post is just a beginning, I’d love to see you bear it all and share it with us. You already have all the wisdom and knowledge, what I want is to hear through you, your personal experience and with you cussing. Bravo!
Thank you Natalia! (belated reply, heh). But seriously glad you are here. xo
Hi Meg, This is a bit dated now, but I was going through major shit of my own at the time, and didn’t get a chance to respond. Anyway, a big “YES!” to you. Yes, for being HONEST, yes for being raw, yes for daring to let go of pretentiousness, and your façade, that protective barrier we all have, looking good, looking PC, looking smooth, slick, all together…as I said to you a while back, I get sooo tired of that in the spiritually-conscious, holistic community. I have not ever and I don’t think ever will be one of those people who doesn’t have dark days / periods of genuine suffering, as I move through another layer of healing, OR completely forget the truth of who I am. It could be either one, and sometimes it’s both. But the fact remains, it’s the reality of my life and I get really sick of apologizing for that on the inside. So, thank you for the inspiration of coming out. And kudos to you for being real in exactly the way that works for you. xo
Thank you, Sweet Julie. I hope your major shit is starting to clear away and you are having some lighter and brighter days.
Yes. Suffering exists. It just does. Holding digital hands from here.
It was good major shit, and yes, it’s clearing away and am enjoying a marathon stretch of glorious sunny days in Toronto. Love to you. xo