I’m not going to fluff this up much, you guys, because it’s too important.I’m just going to say it.
People are going to piss you off.
Clients are sometimes going to be annoying. They will ask you to do work out of scope, nickel
and dime you, or question your integrity. They might even try not to pay you, or threaten to sue you.
Your family doesn’t always have your best interests at heart, even though, for fucks sake, they should. Family should actually behave like family. They should not be the most toxic people in your life.
Or the people who leave you.
Or the people who die while you still need them. It’s ok to be sad and resentful when that happens too. Because it isn’t fair. It just isn’t.
Your lovers will disappoint you. They will fall in love with other people. They will love you less than you love them. They will do annoying things that make you despise them. This will happen over and over until you practically want to give up on love. Until you believe you aren’t capable of love. Or there isn’t enough of it in the world for you.
Whatever is your fear story about your worth as a person in this life will be validated for you repeatedly until you die.
Hopefully with less intensity as you learn how to be more relaxed about things. But still.
It’s just the way it is.
And it is hard, darlings. I know it is. And just so you can hear it, I will also tell you that your story about being unlovable is untrue.
You deserve all the love.
The fact that you are still here, that you get out of bed every day and show up for yourself, and for others is some epic shit.
When you say that you have been through it, that your heart is broken you are saying the truest thing ever said.
Giving yourself plenty of room to acknowledge, accept and grieve this stuff is important. Gather in. Call your support system. Ask someone to bring you some juice/wine/soup/brie. Nap.
You need absolute, unflinching and unapologetic clarity on where you are today in order to see where you need to go from here.
But as soon as you have that, then stop talking about it. Talking it to death doesn’t make it any less hard. It doesn’t give you a softer landing. In fact, it keeps you circling, unable to ground at all.
You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. Enjoy it, embrace it, discard it… and proceed. – from the movie Elizabethtown
If you really want to win, you have to make the choice to stop roiling in resentment and hate towards the people who have hurt you. Even if you think they deserve it. Even if they do. Stop with the fantasies about how you will beat them up, or beat them down, how you might send them an anonymous giant sausage in the mail with a plastic fork and a sticky note that says Eat a dick, asshole. Stop it. You aren’t going to do those things anyway, and they wouldn’t help if you did.
(You are totally welcome to borrow that sausage fantasy, by the way. Because revenge fantasies are sometimes a satisfying indulgence. For a second.)
But then they are just boring. Because they are not serving you.
Revenge fantasies are also not making anyone magically arrive at some clarified understanding about how they should jump on the agenda of making you feel more comfy in your life. Thinking that your life would be better if someone else changes is another way of avoiding taking care of your own self.
Life isn’t comfy.
I talk a lot about weathering uncertainty and staying strong when you feel vulnerable, but make no mistake — discomfort isn’t comfortable.
It never will be. Embody that fact and you are well on your way to peace.
It really, truly, genuinely is hard. But we just don’t need to talk about it anymore.
Revenge is cheap. What we need to do is win.
Beat them by being too awesome to be ignored. [tweet]
Take classes, exercise, write or sing beautiful things, plant things in good dirt, learn a new art to make the one you are already good at better, or just so you can do more cool stuff. Adopt a skin care regimen, prioritize dental hygiene, eat your vegetables, drink your vegetables, breathe, dominate the dance floor with your rad moves, get your mojo back, seek out the most spectacular material in all of the land to fill your spank bank, get a hammock. [tweet]
These are some winning ideas.
They are not, however, how you keep people from doing things that disappoint you. Though, I would argue that you, in this more winning, saner version of your life, will attract less crazy people and more clients that you will adore working with and that will adore your business… it doesn’t matter.
You heard me. It doesn’t matter.
Because you will be feeling so much better and freer, that when shit goes down — and it will — that you will handle that shit with sweet, satisfying panache.
Panache is not just a cool, pretentious French word. It equals winning.
It’s also not how you become perfect and better than anyone else in the world.
You will never be that.
No matter what, someone will be riding around on a bigger yacht, they will be younger, tanner, drinking better cocktails, having better sex, filling up their passport faster than you.
But that doesn’t matter either, because perfection isn’t even real.
When you are winning, you only have to worry about not being an asshole.
Don’t be an asshole. [tweet]
Basically, take your health, your work, your spiritual practice, your relationships and your dance floor domination seriously.
Don’t take yourself so seriously.
You are amazing. You are already winning. But you will always need to stay on top of your habits. Habit formation is human nature and you might habituate winning so much that you forget you still have to be nice to people and someone will send you a giant sausage with a plastic fork.
Habituate winning because why wouldn’t you? But be cool. Be kind.
Remember that your efforts to win at life are not just good for you, but good for all of us. When you take good care of yourself, you don’t have to passive-aggressively demand that the people you love take care of you. Instead, you meet the world whole and happy.
Whole and happy people contribute. Please be one of those people. [tweet]
Where will you start? Tell me in the comments. Or in an email. Or just comment or email to ask for help or just to say hi. Tell me what you’re watching these days, what you thought about that new place that opened or whether or not (s)he’s a good kisser. I like our little chats. I like you.