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Fear + Loathing… on an average day

Fear + Loathing… on an average day

 

Congratulations Me!

I’ve done (at least) the proverbial ten thousand hours of self-immolation! I’ve mastered Fear + Loathing! Everything and everyone is the worst!

 

(…Turns out self-hatred makes loving others a struggle.)

"Cristo With Thorns" by Paul Strand. Reflection of me taking the photo. Result: An apropos image for this post.

“Cristo With Thorns” by Paul Strand at the Portland Art Museum. Includes reflection of myself taking the photo. Result: An apropos image for this post.

 

Inhale.

Exhale.

It’s been a huge week. A deep, taking-of-inventory kind of week where I’m practicing what I teach, and watching the way I’ve been treating myself and the people around me. I *thought* I was doing great because I’ve been conscious for years. Another wake up call. Another reminder that this stuff takes vigilance. Old stories die hard and self love is a daily practice of surrender, allowance, love, asking for help, infinity.

 

So here is a (partial) day in the life. Maybe you can relate. At least, maybe you’ll be entertained.

 

I woke up in the morning and went to the bathroom where I weighed myself and, seeing a few pounds gained – I’ve had some almond croissants lately, delicately heated, with foamy sides of cappuccino that were unbelievably good – I decided I should probably never eat again.

Fear: I must be a certain weight at all times or else people will see how unlovable I am.

Loathing: Enjoying a few of the most exquisite french pastries on the fucking planet = I don’t deserve to eat food anymore.

 

Yeah. I’m not even out of the bathroom yet and we’re already at death by starvation.

 

While brushing my teeth (and berating myself for not flossing the day before), I notice that my hair is limp, flat, and in my face in the most unflattering way. See, while I was falling asleep, Boyfriend was braiding and petting my hair.

Fact: I fell asleep having my favorite thing happen to my hair by someone who loves me enough to pet me to sleep.

Thought: “Ew. I don’t want Boyfriend to see me this morning because I look like a man who drives a van full of candy.”

Fear: If I don’t have great hair, people will see how unlovable I am. 

Loathing: I’m only worthy if I’m attractive.

 

I decided to clean my house, clear my head, do some stuff that made me feel fresh and good. While collecting my moonstone and gold ring, pearl necklace, handmade beaded earrings (read: actual fucking treasure) off my night table, I think, “Here I am picking up my jewelry again. It never ends, does it? Nothing stays clean. Adulting is hard. Picking stuff up is hard. I’m always doing it. Therefore, I’m failing at adulting because there is always jewelry (read: ACTUAL FUCKING TREASURE) on my night table. I’m bad at life.  Why do I even get out of bed. I need a nap.”

Actual fucking treasure.

Real gems. 

Gifts, even, from people who love my guts.

Fear: My life must be in perfect order or people will see how unlovable I am.

Loathing: I can’t keep up with everything all the time so I deserve to have nothing at all.

 

And that, friends, is where I piqued. Kind of. I mean, many more moments happened in this day, but if I say them all I’m worried it will end up just sounding like bragging. 

Gross. Then you would see for suuuuure how unlovable I am. And I’ll know it’s time to stop writing and talking to people.

:::insert waving white flag here:::

 

I’m done. Again. I have seen the light or whatever. Again. And I have renewed my commitment to keep walking my own talk and taking it easy on my sweet self. Again. And will keep doing it. Again.

 

The opposite of fear and loathing is love. And I want that. Lots of that.

 

And having/giving more love than fear and loathing depends on which one we practice most. Which state of mind we nurture, cultivate, and devote our attention to.

I am not saying that life is ever going to be easy or fair. God, let’s hope you would never believe I’d say a thing like that. But I’m saying that staying awake, staying smarter than our habits, and trying a little tenderness makes dealing with it all a little easier and less exhausting.

Treating ourselves with kindness is paramount to treating others the same.

 

So, I’ve been re-reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. >>>>Helpful.

 

Also, this prayer (feel free to replace “God” with “Cheeseburger” or whatever your preferred source moniker might be) :

“God, direct my thinking today so that it be divorced of self pity, dishonesty, self-will, self-seeking, and fear. God inspire my thinking, decisions, and intuitions. Help me to relax and take it easy. Free me from doubt and indecision. Guide me through this day and show me my next step. God, give me what I need to take care of any problems. I ask all these things that I may be of maximum service to you and my fellow humans. Amen.”

 

Humans are weird. We are programed awry, we carry grief and trauma like well-worn worry stones. We are addicted to suffering as a culture. Let’s get out. Let’s seek peace together. Starting in our own hearts and minds. Thank god we aren’t doing it alone.

 

I believe in us. Do you?
Meg-Signature-300x185

 

 

 

 

P.S. So ya know, I don’t need you to write to tell me I’m worthy of loving (I actually know and am just sharing the process 🙂 ),  but I WOULD love to hear if and how this shows up for you.  Leave a comment for crying out loud. I love hearing from you.

 

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6 Responses to Fear + Loathing… on an average day

  1. Clair says:

    I had a similar weekend…must be something in the stars… Yes to all you say… Another thing that helps me are the teachings of Adyashanti. One of his main teachings is “let everything be as it is”. That is his awesome meditation instructions. And to know that the field of awareness or consciousness that we truly are, is there always for us to rest into, and that it isn’t concerned that we feel a particular way, good or bad, look or weigh a particular way… Etc. If we stop and listen deeply, to the profound quiet within, it’s always there…and does not judge…only the mind does that. Rest deeply my friend❤️

  2. Melissa says:

    Meg,
    I love this blog post for so many reasons: it’s honest and relevant.

    It must simply be time for me to refocus. This weekend I was reminded about resting and sleeping. I was asked by a loved one “Do you include rest and sleep as part of your self care?” I proudly replied “NO” without hesitation. As soon as that word hit the air and hung there I realized what a mistake I’d been making and admitting it aloud was a huge ‘a ha’ moment.

    I’m going to skip the belabored childhood story about the how and why I was living in this mindset which by the way has hurt me in more ways than one. Suffice to say Sunday night I put myself to bed at 8p but prior to that I completed my yoga practice with ice therapy afterwards and prana breathing until I drifted off to sleep whilst listening to a recording of lovely, soothing Tibetan chimes. I awoke Monday feeling refreshed and renewed and bounded out of bed with an energy which surprised me. I repeated the same routine last night after work, awaking in a joyful mood and complete the exercises, breathing and ice therapy with the same results.

    Sometimes all we need is a reminder. It matters not how we come back to ourselves just that we choose to make the journey and get to do what it is we need.

  3. Tara Mixon says:

    Holy Shit Meg! There you go, doing it again. Speaking as if you are telling my story, my experience. Yesterday was freaking painful! One of the last things I said to my husband before bed was “Can you please just take these crazy fucked up thoughts out of my head!!! I could really do without them.” Thank God we aren’t doing this alone. Thanks for the reminder and the love.

  4. teryll says:

    I effing love you and this blog post. Coaches, elders, leaders, gurus, priests, laypeople all around! Human beings being human. Let the fear and loathing burn, baby!!!!! My prayer is that we surrender to the false self and allow our true selves to rise out of these self-deprecating ashes. <3

  5. Sarah says:

    This is one of those things that came at just the right time: I read it and went “ohhhhhhhhhhhh noooooooooo!” Thank you for putting this out there.

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